When I coach men who need help with dating or interacting with women, the conversation almost always starts with concerns about what to say or how to respond to them. I enjoy working with these guys but, more often than not, they have 'placed the cart before the horse.' The truth is that legitimate science has taught us that most of our communication occurs non-verbally. When I share this science with clients, they understandably find it both a blessing and a curse. Turns out, if you don't know what to say, no worries. But how do you master that pesky non-verbal stuff? - Even the way a man stands sends a message.
Holy shit Matt, even the way I stand is wrong?
Probably not, but think about it like this. Words are just words, but when we communicate verbally, the message we send depends heavily on which words we use and how we use them. Here's one of my favorite examples:
Time to eat, grandma!
Time to eat grandma!
Yikes! See how even the subtlest of differences (in this case a comma, and some inflection) can drastically change the message you send?
The same is true with body language and non-verbal communication. Tonight we're talking about posture. The way we stand can send all types of messages to others. It can convey interest or disinterest, comfort or discomfort, fear or resolve. It can convey confidence, or insecurity, and even love or disgust. As a general rule for men in the dating game, I recommend two subtle changes to their postural game.
1. Look Straight. Have you ever noticed how much people look at the ground? What the fuck is everyone looking for? When you look down, it sends a signal of submission, not confidence. Remember, confidence is a people magnet. Speaking of people, whenever you talk with another human, look them directly in the eyes, without exception. Never speak into the ground. Also, the man you're meant to be isn't in on the floor; he's ahead of you. Here's a tip:
If you are standing with your arms are your sides and can see any part of your body other than your nose, you are looking down. Eyes front, always!
2. Stand Tall. Not looking down will help a lot with this, but consider this exercise: Stand up, with your arms hanging naturally at your sides. Seriously, get off your ass up for this. Now, let's presume you are wearing a nice pair of standard five-pocket American jeans. As they naturally fall, your hands should be along your sides. If your middle finger rides the outside seam of your jeans, that's perfect. Here's what I want you to do from here:
Slide your hands up as if you're going to place them in your front pockets. What just happened in your chest and shoulders? Do it again, hands at your sides, then into your pockets. If you're paying attention, you'll notice that your shoulders naturally come back, and your chest stands out a little prouder.
There you go, big guy!
Note: Because I know you're not fucking moron, I don't need to tell you that you shouldn't walk around with your hands in your pockets, lest you fall and break your idiot face.
Try just these two posture tips for a whole week, and let me know how it goes in the comments or an email, and I promise to respond.
Stay classy, fellas!